Dark, Sinister Forces

30 May 2001

I am the pawn of dark, sinister forces. Some of you may have guessed this already, but it was news to me. Luckily, I checked my e-mail this morning and found out.

You see, my rebel Lutheran group has a listserv, and I posted to that listserv arguing with comments someone else had made. Specifically, I talked about censorship. This person had talked about how the listserv managers shouldn't "censor free debate" on this listserv. By keeping a limit on topics that could be discussed, they would be guilty of censorship! I said, um, no. I know people who publish science fiction magazines, and if you sent them an article about rebel Lutherans, they'd likely say, "Thanks but no thanks." Not because they're censors! Because it's not really their topic. It's not what their readers want to read about. And similarly, I think it's reasonable for any listserv to maintain some boundaries as well, a topic focus, a reason for people to read the messages.

Well. I am now the pawn of dark, sinister forces. I was deliberately attempting to make her look bad, in a larger plot to discredit her ideas and silence her. She doesn't know who put me up to saying these things, but I should carefully consider who I listen to in the future, and I should know that people are aware of these things now. Uhhhh. Well. Good. I'll be sure to mention her awareness at my next Dark, Sinister Forces meeting, but I'm afraid they won't listen to me, as I am only a pawn.

I've actually been accused of dark, sinister forces sort of work before. And you know what? These people ought to be really, really grateful that they're wrong. Because if I was evil, I'd be good at it. I mean, there's no point in being incompetently evil. That's not interesting at all. I'd take the time to be really, truly evil. (And I wouldn't start by silencing an incoherent woman on the obscure listserv of a little-known religious rebellion -- which, I hope, will be gaining in size soon. But still.) Also, I wouldn't be a pawn. I think I'm better at dark, sinister stuff than that. I think I could rise in the evil ranks fairly quickly. A bright young person can go far etc.

This all started in junior high, when the girl who had been stealing my pencils since fourth grade informed me that just because I was smart didn't mean I was a good person. (This is perfectly true, but so are the opposite and the converse.) And that some day, she would be the prosecuting attorney who put me away for some crime. I told her no, that even if she made it through law school, and even if she had been right about the laxity of my moral character, I would still be smarter than she was, and thus not get caught, at least not by her.

The pattern seems to be that coherent argument is a good demonstration that you've sold your soul to Somebody. Everybody who has this problem: go listen to the Steve Brust song "Backwards Message" and come back when you've cogitated on it.

It strikes me that Steve Brust would be doing much better if the people who think that I and my ilk are evil bought his stuff, rather than the people who think I have good taste. This is not such a good thing, but plenty of people cater to that type. I'm glad Steve's on my team instead.

Ilk is such a good word for when you're evil. I mean, you never hear about somebody and their ilk in a good way. Even if it's a nice ilk with big branchy horns. Hey, yeah. I have a pair of little Pan horns, which I never wear any more, but if I wish to get involved with deep evil, I'll get me some moose horns. That'll be much better. People will be able to see my evil coming. Yeah.

Sheesh. Look. If I get involved in dark, sinister forces, you'll be the first to know, okay? It'll be a lot more interesting than sitting at the computer writing for most of the day, and I won't have to worry about quoting somebody wrong or saying something about them that they won't be okay with, so it'll go right in my journal. I promise.

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